| | This is one of those days. One of those days when I feel as though everything I am doing is the wrong thing. I’ve said the wrong thing, I’ve worn the wrong thing, I’ve made the wrong choices, I have the wrong ideas, I am ruining my childrens lives, and the devastation of my family will be a direct result of my actions.
Where does this voice come from? It doesn’t come often, and I am fairly good at tuning it out when it does. But some days. Some days it is too loud. Some days the voice is too insistent and the evidence of its truth too abundant.
It terrifies me this voice. It terrifies me in a way that monsters and plane crashes and murderers cannot. Monsters are not real. Plane crashes are rare, and there are few, if any, murderers in my small town. The terror comes from something else. Something awful and dark and painful.
What brings it? Is it the nearly full moon? Is it a cloud of depression? Is it the little girl inside me living her childhood again? Is it lack of sleep? Or is it really, the evidence mounting all around me?
Why is it that I feel as though I need to take on the enormity of the responsibility of the well-being of my family; the success of my children, and the magnificence of their future? Why is it that I cannot grasp their separateness and the strength of their character and trust that they will steer in the right direction
How can I find God again? How can I parent properly again? How can I ever get back the joy and the happiness we once all shared?
And now it is morning. The sun is out and the coffee is made. The voice is gone. Or nearly gone, just an echo where it once was. Like the dull headache after a migraine. Not as painful or debilitating, but sore and a reminder. I get up motivated. Inspired to make lists, renew commitments, increase support, follow guidelines.
Doubt whispers in my ear, but I shun it. Push it down and move forward.
Today is a new day. |
| | Posted 5/9/2009 9:36 PM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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