Another favorite.

Good GOD this teen thing is... well... everything "they" said it would be.  This is parenting at its finest right here let me tell you.  This is where you put the mad mama and daddy skilz to the test.  This is where all the Dr. Sears books stop and you have to draw from the well of your own experience and trust that you've put down some sort of foundation that will help everyone get through it alive. 

The teenager has been quite predictable lately. In between hormonal outbursts of freaky rage and sleeping  anyway.  Overall he is very kind, polite, generous, compliant (especially after the birthday incident) and mostly in good humor.  In turn, we allow him many privileges and a fairly slack rope.  Make no mistake, the rope IS there.  But, he barely knows it.   Well, after yesterday, he will be feeling it for quite some time.

The Readers Digest (Or Xanga for these purposes) version is that he got into a porn site on HIS DAD'S COMPUTER!  Why you ask?  Why would this kid who has his own laptop and desktop in his room use his (incredibly computer savvy and super suspicious) Dad's computer to go to this website?  Because (and this is the part where I am once again convinced that there is indeed a God) 14 year old boys are just smart enough to know that Dad's computer doesn't have net nanny or a snoop stick on it.  They are NOT however, QUITE smart enough to know that when they enter a password on the Yahoo sign in page, that name will stay there when the next person (in this case Dad) signs in.  And when the name is something clever like, "waltdisdoescrack" it might raise some  eyebrows, or you know, tempers.  I not only know there is a God, I know that God has a sense of humor.  Because as I said, 14 year olds are pretty much designed to lie and try stupid stuff, but they are generally speaking, not designed to get away with much.  Now, I know that this "getting away" with stuff gets better with age and I'm not naive enough to believe that we don't have years of this kind of thing ahead of us, but just for right now, I'm going to have faith that we'll be lead gently into this tumultuous time.

So. What DID we find out? And how DID we handle it?  Well, we found out that he had indeed made up a new user account on Yahoo, and with that created an account on a porn site where he saw all manner of pornography.  And I do mean ALL manner.  And the thing is, I'm not a huge porn hater.  It's not so much for me with the money shots and stuff?  But, I mean, eh? Who cares?  The difference is that when I was 14, (and younger I suppose) I just went and snuck peeks at my dad's Playboy or if I was babysitting, maybe my uncle's Hustler.  Educational to be sure, but pretty tame really.  It's not like that now.  Not at all.  There is straight porn, gay porn, animal porn, whatever all on the same page.  How is a 14 year old kid supposed to determine what is "normal" and what isn't?  As an Oldermama, my ideas and beliefs about what is "normal" are varied and different, and yeah, basically, if it feels good, do it.  But he's 14.  This is when a person is forming their sexual self.  I think I would rather had a healthy, normal, sexual self before delving into... I dunno... goat sex!!  I' am left wondering if we should go get him a Playboy (it seems  so safe now...) and be done with it. 

The whole thing was quite embarrassing for him, and I have to say that Olderdaddy and I did such a great job of remaining calm cool and collected.  We didn't ever get upset, we made sure to say over and over and over that it was COMPLETELY normal for him to be curious and for him to want to do stuff like go on the web and look at porn.  He was even honest enough to say "it's so tempting..."  It is.  That lead to a discussion about how many more times he will be tempted, by all sorts of things and that this is the time to learn how to be careful.  Olderdaddy really stepped up to the plate and talked about what it's like to be a kid in a man's body in high school. He talked about how important it will be for him to continue to hang out with kids his own age, because they are just as scared, and confused and curious as he is.  That he needs to be getting peer information from them rather than from someone 4 years older etc.  We talked about respecting women and that if (when) he does (or did) touch a girl/woman, he needed to do so with respect.  We talked about how it is uncool to then tell his buddies that he "made out with" so and so, or make up lies about what he might have done with a girl to look cool.  We talk a lot about "Be The Guy."  Be the ONE guy who isn't disrespectful to women.  Be the ONE guy who doesn't call the kid a "Faggot."  Be the ONE guy that can always be counted on to be the DD.  Be the ONE guy that others will always speak kindly and fondly of.  I point to his dad when I say it too.  Be THAT guy.  Be the guy that people respect and talk to and never have a bad thing to say about. I guess, in other words, be The Guy we have tried to raise you to be.  Be The Guy we have hoped and prayed you would become.

Please?

I told him, we have done all the work.  We changed your diapers, we potty trained you, fed you, taught you about God and faith, we've clothed you, put braces on your teeth, taught you how to ride a bike, brush your teeth, use the microwave, take a shower, groom yourself etc...  We have given you the basics, now we have to sort of set you out there in your dinghy. You have the tools, the sails.  All we can do now is guide you.  Help you make good choices and pray for you. 

Oh. And he created a Hot or Not account.  I kind of laughed at that one because I know several adults who have created accounts on that site and I think it is hilarious that they do.  Hot or Not SHOULD be a teen site.  What adult needs that kind of attention?  Anyway, he told me that he had done it, and I asked, "How are you doing?" he said, "Quite well actually."  I checked and I'll be danged if he didn't have an 89% rating. The account is closed now of course, as is his porn account.  He won't have a computer for a while either needless to say.  This time we got off pretty easily. I know that we have times ahead that won't be this easy. I can hope that they will be, but I know better.

I love this boy/man.  I love who he is inside.  I feel his temptation to be "cool" in a new school where he knows no one.  I have always loved that he didn't care what others thought of him.  I want that for him.  I don't want him to the "pleaser" that I was.  I don't want him to feel he has to do or say things to fit in. 

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh... where is Dr. Sears NOW????