Late night...

The Mothers Day Gift

Another Older-Oldie

Good MORNING!  Who ever woulda thunk that MORNING would be MY favorite time of day?  HA.  Not back in the sleep-till-noon days.  Oh HECK no.

We have gone totally Oprah and purchased some of the really fancy, comfy patio furniture that costs nearly as much as the furniture in the house, thus moving the indoors OUT.   We do love to spend time outdoors in the summer and especially in the evenings.  It really is beautiful.

Several years ago, approximately 8 in fact, Olderdaddy and the Olderlittles (at that time there were only 2) bought me a porch swing for Mothers day.  The swing itself has been replaced a few times because they are sort of cheap and even though we take it in every winter, the fabric tends to rot and the whole thing falls apart. But, the swing spot has stayed the same and the enjoyment I have gotten out of sitting on that swing is absolutely wonderful and constant.

When the littlest Older was born, and the weather got nice, we spent HOURS out there swinging, nursing, napping.  The entire family has piled on the swing and swayed away hours.  I told the OldestOlder where babies come from while swinging on that swing.  I have nursed cuts and bruises and mediated fights there.  Made up with Olderdaddy while rhythmically swinging away the hurt and anger.  The view from the swing is nothing especially beautiful, I can see the neighbor's back yards and the kids walking to school.  But I have also watched our little baby trees in the backyard grow thicker and fuller.  I have watched the birds splash in the birdbath.  I have watched all of the kids make water slides out of the play structure and toss footballs, hit baseballs, shoot baskets.  Come to think of it, the view is perfect.

When the weather gets nice, I like to take my cup of coffee out there and just enjoy the stillness and quiet of the morning.  Before everyone gets up.  The steam rises from my cup and I snuggle in with a blanket while I read the paper, or maybe check my email.  Sometimes, I just swing. 

This morning, the first day of summer break for the kids, the littlest Older got a blanket from the couch and came outside, still wobbly and groggy from sleep.  Without speaking he set the blanket down on the swing and lie down on it, pulling the rest of the blanket around him burrito style placing his head on my jammie clad lap.  No words.  We just rocked.  What a precious ten minutes.  I sang his song for him for the first time in probably a year or so, and he just closed his eyes and melted into me. 

There will be much noise and commotion in the backyard this summer and the swing will see much action and activity.  But this cool, quiet, gentle morning will quite likely be my favorite summer memory this year.

Be The Guy

Another favorite.

Good GOD this teen thing is... well... everything "they" said it would be.  This is parenting at its finest right here let me tell you.  This is where you put the mad mama and daddy skilz to the test.  This is where all the Dr. Sears books stop and you have to draw from the well of your own experience and trust that you've put down some sort of foundation that will help everyone get through it alive. 

The teenager has been quite predictable lately. In between hormonal outbursts of freaky rage and sleeping  anyway.  Overall he is very kind, polite, generous, compliant (especially after the birthday incident) and mostly in good humor.  In turn, we allow him many privileges and a fairly slack rope.  Make no mistake, the rope IS there.  But, he barely knows it.   Well, after yesterday, he will be feeling it for quite some time.

The Readers Digest (Or Xanga for these purposes) version is that he got into a porn site on HIS DAD'S COMPUTER!  Why you ask?  Why would this kid who has his own laptop and desktop in his room use his (incredibly computer savvy and super suspicious) Dad's computer to go to this website?  Because (and this is the part where I am once again convinced that there is indeed a God) 14 year old boys are just smart enough to know that Dad's computer doesn't have net nanny or a snoop stick on it.  They are NOT however, QUITE smart enough to know that when they enter a password on the Yahoo sign in page, that name will stay there when the next person (in this case Dad) signs in.  And when the name is something clever like, "waltdisdoescrack" it might raise some  eyebrows, or you know, tempers.  I not only know there is a God, I know that God has a sense of humor.  Because as I said, 14 year olds are pretty much designed to lie and try stupid stuff, but they are generally speaking, not designed to get away with much.  Now, I know that this "getting away" with stuff gets better with age and I'm not naive enough to believe that we don't have years of this kind of thing ahead of us, but just for right now, I'm going to have faith that we'll be lead gently into this tumultuous time.

So. What DID we find out? And how DID we handle it?  Well, we found out that he had indeed made up a new user account on Yahoo, and with that created an account on a porn site where he saw all manner of pornography.  And I do mean ALL manner.  And the thing is, I'm not a huge porn hater.  It's not so much for me with the money shots and stuff?  But, I mean, eh? Who cares?  The difference is that when I was 14, (and younger I suppose) I just went and snuck peeks at my dad's Playboy or if I was babysitting, maybe my uncle's Hustler.  Educational to be sure, but pretty tame really.  It's not like that now.  Not at all.  There is straight porn, gay porn, animal porn, whatever all on the same page.  How is a 14 year old kid supposed to determine what is "normal" and what isn't?  As an Oldermama, my ideas and beliefs about what is "normal" are varied and different, and yeah, basically, if it feels good, do it.  But he's 14.  This is when a person is forming their sexual self.  I think I would rather had a healthy, normal, sexual self before delving into... I dunno... goat sex!!  I' am left wondering if we should go get him a Playboy (it seems  so safe now...) and be done with it. 

The whole thing was quite embarrassing for him, and I have to say that Olderdaddy and I did such a great job of remaining calm cool and collected.  We didn't ever get upset, we made sure to say over and over and over that it was COMPLETELY normal for him to be curious and for him to want to do stuff like go on the web and look at porn.  He was even honest enough to say "it's so tempting..."  It is.  That lead to a discussion about how many more times he will be tempted, by all sorts of things and that this is the time to learn how to be careful.  Olderdaddy really stepped up to the plate and talked about what it's like to be a kid in a man's body in high school. He talked about how important it will be for him to continue to hang out with kids his own age, because they are just as scared, and confused and curious as he is.  That he needs to be getting peer information from them rather than from someone 4 years older etc.  We talked about respecting women and that if (when) he does (or did) touch a girl/woman, he needed to do so with respect.  We talked about how it is uncool to then tell his buddies that he "made out with" so and so, or make up lies about what he might have done with a girl to look cool.  We talk a lot about "Be The Guy."  Be the ONE guy who isn't disrespectful to women.  Be the ONE guy who doesn't call the kid a "Faggot."  Be the ONE guy that can always be counted on to be the DD.  Be the ONE guy that others will always speak kindly and fondly of.  I point to his dad when I say it too.  Be THAT guy.  Be the guy that people respect and talk to and never have a bad thing to say about. I guess, in other words, be The Guy we have tried to raise you to be.  Be The Guy we have hoped and prayed you would become.

Please?

I told him, we have done all the work.  We changed your diapers, we potty trained you, fed you, taught you about God and faith, we've clothed you, put braces on your teeth, taught you how to ride a bike, brush your teeth, use the microwave, take a shower, groom yourself etc...  We have given you the basics, now we have to sort of set you out there in your dinghy. You have the tools, the sails.  All we can do now is guide you.  Help you make good choices and pray for you. 

Oh. And he created a Hot or Not account.  I kind of laughed at that one because I know several adults who have created accounts on that site and I think it is hilarious that they do.  Hot or Not SHOULD be a teen site.  What adult needs that kind of attention?  Anyway, he told me that he had done it, and I asked, "How are you doing?" he said, "Quite well actually."  I checked and I'll be danged if he didn't have an 89% rating. The account is closed now of course, as is his porn account.  He won't have a computer for a while either needless to say.  This time we got off pretty easily. I know that we have times ahead that won't be this easy. I can hope that they will be, but I know better.

I love this boy/man.  I love who he is inside.  I feel his temptation to be "cool" in a new school where he knows no one.  I have always loved that he didn't care what others thought of him.  I want that for him.  I don't want him to the "pleaser" that I was.  I don't want him to feel he has to do or say things to fit in. 

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh... where is Dr. Sears NOW???? 

Take Flight

This is a repost from 2 years ago. One of my favorites. I'll start writing again soon.  Enjoy.

It is fitting that I send my teeny tiny 6 year old baby boy on an airline called Frontier today.  We are approaching a new frontier indeed.  In my wildest imagination I could never have conjured the picture I saw this morning.  My Olderbaby, hair all slicked back, collared shirt tucked into his madras shorts, socks just right and shoes just so.  Able to recite his instructions with no prompting (remind Daddy to get the car seat from the car, say my prayers every night, have Daddy or Grandma read me my book before bed, call Mommy every day.  MISS MOMMY)  that last one added by me as he jumped in the car.

This is a VBD (very big day) for our family!  Never before has an Olderkid as young as this gotten on an airplane without his mama.  The very idea of an Older so young flying away from the nest strikes terror in my heart! Olderdaddy just yawns. 

I sneak down to the room shared by Blondie and Olderbaby, and quietly wake him up by tickling his toes.  I crook my finger at him to signal him to come down for some snuggle time with me before he has to get dressed and moving.  His sleepy little head wobbles on top of his rubbery body as he makes his way to the Mamabed.  They all love the Mamabed and wonder why it's SO much softer than theirs.  Why are the blankets so much... FLUFFIER?  Why are the sheets so much cooler?  It is of course, because all of the family love is right here. Right here is where each of them slept when they came home from the hospital.  This is where they nursed, snuggled, giggled, cried, dreamed the mystery dreams of babyhood and the vivid dreams of toddler-hood. This is where we have taken Family Naps on rare Sunday afternoons when it's snowing so hard we can't leave.  We don't actually sleep of course, we are too many now and too many of us are too large to sleep.  So we talk.  We watch some TV.  We make a Family Sandwich.  Oldermama and Olderdaddy the bread, and each kid whatever he wants to be that day.  Even the teenager still enjoys this time.  It is a tradition carried out even when they visit their Grandparents in the summer at at Christmastime.

On this morning, Olderbaby snuggles in close.  He tucks his head into the crook of my shoulder and his hand under the cool, soft skin of my underarm. I kiss his little face nine million times and tell him how much I love him and how I'll miss him.  I tell him to tell Grandma if he wants to talk to me and she'll help him call.  I try to quiet the fear rising in my stomach about his flying without me.  I smile, knowing how grown up he feels and what a fun, big boy time he is going to have on the plane with Dad.  I smile too knowing that Grandma and Grandpa are going to have such a special time this week.  Just ONE kid ALL to themselves.  And this kid who is so loving and giving and kind and funny.  Lucky them.  Since he started Kindergarten, *I* don't even have that luxury anymore.  Mostly I just take in deep breaths of his hair, his skin, even his stinky morning breath.  I will miss him SO much. 

I will spend time with his brothers that will be different in content and construction than it is when the littlest is around.  There will be less restriction on what we do, where we go, what we see and say.  There will also be less tenderness and less laughing.  The little one is the glue that holds us all together.  The little one is universally loved even if he DOES break something of value to one of the others.  The littlest one is ALWAYS forgiven, and rarely spoken to harshly.  He is carried and tickled and tossed around and he loves it.  He loves being the "baby" of the family, even while he tries so hard to be grown up like his brothers.

After a few minutes of snuggle, it's time to pop him in the tub and scrub him all up for Grandma.  He is unusually cooperative getting his hair washed and climbing out of the tub when I say it's time.  He dries himself and shivers in the coolness of the morning asking me to snuggle him in his towel for just a few minutes. I happily wrap him up.  Then it is all business.  Tuck my shirt in right mom.  My belt is crooked.  And the hair, never have I met a child so particular about his hair.  It must be combed to the right.  Not one hair sticking up anywhere. Smooth to the touch sleek and tight to his head. 

And now he is ready.  One last recitation of the instructions, and 28 kisses to last till I see him again. One last glimpse as he blows me kisses and signs "I love you." through the back window of the car as the garage door closes.  He is ready.  Ready for this huge step into big-boyhood.  Ready for this new Frontier. 

What's In A Title?